I know I have to just get over it, but today I’m in such a foul mood. Yesterday was the crying and weeping part of “dealing with it.” Today is the “please don’t talk to me, I’m too pissed to deal with you” part. I said sometime earlier this month that I wasn’t going to be able to go to the Bonerama CD recording in NOLA that is next week because of the cost and the need to be more responsible and all that. And because it was really my choice, while I was disappointed, I was pretty much ok and resigned to the situation.
Then yesterday rolled around… and the problem with the costs (expensive flights, hotel by myself, etc) basically went out the window as flights dropped by at least a hundred dollars and there’s a group of people going now and the hotel would’ve been like $80 for four nights. I took a long hard look at my financial situation and decided I was willing to sacrifice doing anything at all for the entire fall in order to go to NOLA next week. And on top of all of that, the group is set up to work for two days with the AWK, which is the one thing I really regretted not getting to do when I went for Mardi Gras. Everything around here has just been so depressing lately, I’ve been working so much for what feels like no reason at all, and on and on and I just really need a few days to go and have some fun and do some work that felt like it had purpose behind it.
I knew it was short notice to get vacation time from work, technically we’re supposed to ask for vacation a month in advance, but I’ve actually done shorter notice before with no problem. So about 12:30pm yesterday I was flying high thinking “I’m going to New Orleans!” Well, I’m sure you have figured out by now where this is going…
My boss said, “no.”
Two of my co-workers had already asked for Friday off and my boss has to leave early on that Friday and so I have to be here to cover for everyone because apparently just our designers aren’t enough. I was crushed. I am crushed. I’m pissed and bitter and disappointed. I’ve only taken a day and a half of vacation since I got back from Mardi Gras at the beginning of March. I’ve been working overtime, I’m trying to be a better employee after being told with my current attitude I’m “unpromotable at any company”, and it all feels even more pointless than before. I’m constantly trying to reason with myself and tell myself its my own fault, I knew the rules of vacation time requesting, I should’ve just requested the time earlier if I’d thought I was supposed to go. Or how about, “how dare I think that my time or destination is anymore valuable or important” than whatever my co-workers are going to take their time and do. Or I “should be happy to just have a job.” Or then there’s the “it just wasn’t meant to be” crap. I know all the logical or platitude-scented thoughts to have.
I thought I’d be over it after a night’s sleep, but instead I dreamed about packing to go, considering the new airline restrictions… seriously… my brain. I think it stings more that I was told I couldn’t do something than just me making the decision to not go. Yes, I know I should just move on and focus on the next thing… but I just wanted to do this so badly. It didn’t help that all this happened yesterday as I’m trying to tell people, “remember New Orleans… do what you can to help” and my chance to really go help was taken away from me. Again, I know “there will be other chances to help” and all that.
I know all this stuff and I know how I should feel and how I should pray about it and cope, but the truth is, I’m just bitterly disappointed. I can’t stop crying. I don’t even want to look at my co-workers or talk to anyone. I just want everyone to leave me alone.
