There’s a lot going with my life as of late and I don’t know what to do with it. Its getting bottled up inside and occasionally exploding in an unnecessarily needy IM conversation or as a torrent of tears in the Village Inn parking lot. I really just want to write it all out here. Address each aspect of my life that has issues. For two reasons really. One for myself, as a way to force myself to acknowledge things and get all the crap out of my head so I can start looking at them in a more productive way. Secondly for my friends and family who read this so they can know where I’m at; what I’m thinking and why I’m doing or not doing things. Its an honesty issue with me. I’m such an open book most of the time that when I feel like I need to censor myself, it really really gets to me. I feel like when everyone doesn’t know what’s going on with my life that I’m lying to them in someway… even though I’m not. Have I mentioned that sometimes I’m crazy?
I know my mom reads this [hi mom] and I don’t know if I want to subject her to all my rantings. Not because its anything that I’m ashamed of, but I don’t want her to worry about things that I may make all dramatic in my writings that really don’t matter. I mean, I have a decent job and my cat is alive and I have medical insurance, what more can a mom ask? I know she’s reading this and its probably weird that I’m still writing this, but that’s one of the things that does hold me back. I don’t want her to worry about me if I write about a lack of self-worth at the moment.
I guess part of me wishes that no one knew about this site, or at least that it wasn’t in my name. I wish I’d been less vain and more clever with my website name like Jeff. But then again, I’d feel false moving everything now to hide stuff. But on the other other flipside, what about someday if I ever do try to get another job and a potential employer googles me and reads every frustration I’ve ever had with my life or job and decides that they don’t want to hire anyone who’s ever had frustrations, or at least they want someone who can bottle it all up and never dare speak its name. Oh the drama of the information age.
But then again, looking at my stats on traffic for my site, not that many people look at it, which is really probably fine.
Right now I’m feeling very stuck in my life. I’m not going anywhere, both literally and figuratively. When I ran into my my office librarian today and she asked me where I’m taking my next big trip to and I nearly burst into tears when I had to say, “nowhere,” I think I need to pull my crap together and cope.
And yeah, now I’ve come to this point and what have I said? Nothing much… but my brain is full and I’m stressed. That’s the kicker, I think I’m really and truly stressed for the first time in my life and I’m not coping well. My blood pressure was actually 110/70 at the doctor the other day, which is very high for me. I have all this stuff I want to say, but I don’t want to burden anyone with it directly anymore. So maybe I’ll put it out here. Or maybe I won’t.
What do you think, dear readers? What do you think of blogs that get personal? Too weird? Interesting? Pathetic? Entertaining?
Posted in General Thoughts |
August 21st, 2006 at 3:57 pm
I understand where you are coming from. I hesitate to write anything too personal for the same reasons you mention…Iknow some of my family reads it, and I dont need them to know all my business for whatever reasons. Every time I write a slightly personal enttry, I run through my mind all the people that do or could read it and what their reaction would be. There are times I hit publish and other times I hit delete. I hit delete alot. but sometimes it feels good just to get it out, even if you dont share it with anyone. Just to see your thoughts and be able to read it and get it all organized….its refreshing.
August 22nd, 2006 at 10:24 am
I can’t say that I have any advice with regards to what the content of your posts should be, but I will say this. . . though I don’t know the specifics of what is going on in your life at this point in time, when I read this post, the whole time I thought it might be something I could write right now. There, how’s that for a long-ass sentence! Anyway, I wish I had some words of wisdom for what to do when your life is in a blender. If I did, I could certainly use a healthy dose of it myself. In liu of something meaningful, how about ending with a pithy cliche? Keep on truckin’, Wendy. . . Keep on truckin’.
August 22nd, 2006 at 6:06 pm
you know, I struggled with the same stuff on my blog. incidentally, it was mostly strangers reading though. I think that made it harder for me to be. But, there’s something therapeutic about writing stuff down. If it IS too personal, bust out a notebook and write. When you look at those tear stained pages later in lifer you will know that you are a stronger person…anyway, I am glad to see you writing more. I don’t even care what it is about. And I read the pancakes post first and I am strting to crave them now myself!