Low/High point
This post has been marinating in my head for a month. Part of Lisa’s post today inspired me to get it out of my head. Sadly, its less optimistic than when I started composing it in October. This is going to be rather personal and some people will see it as whining or an excuse or something, if that’s not your bag, just move on to my next post about entertainment (writers strike!) or my cat.
The problem is that I am fat. And I hate it. And I hate that I’ve written this same post for years and I’m still not doing anything about it.
Its been a creeping problem for the last two years or so. I started noticing my weight after Iowa Homecoming celebrations where I would 1) hear how other women now looked so fabulous and I knew that didn’t apply to me and 2) I hated seeing myself in photos. The second one is really the deal breaker for me. I don’t know if I’m a product of my generation, coming up with cameras, even video cameras around pretty much all my life, but I always liked being in pictures. I never really understood people who don’t. In some ways I still don’t. I want to be in the picture, I just want what my mind tells me I look like to match what actually exists. But lately I am just repelled by what I see unless the photo is taken at a very high, unnaturally flattering angle. I have this horrible fat face that reminds me of pictures I’ve seen of my father and he’s horrible fat and just so terrible looking. And that’s all I see when I look in the mirror or see photos. All my extra chins and just gross.
Today is the worst fattest day of my life as I now weigh 180 pounds. Isn’t that just repulsive? I’m only 5′4″. I never thought I’d say I need to lose 50 pounds, but I do. To be in the healthy weight range for my person, I really should be no more than 135 pounds, and weighing less would be better. I think I weighed that in high school, but I was called a fat cow back then too, so who knows. Though looking at pictures from high school, I wasn’t fat, and weren’t the fashions so much more forgiving back then? A giant XXL sweatshirt or a flannel to cover up all those body issues that you don’t even have.
Four years ago I weighed 150 and was struggling to lose weight. Now here I am 30 pounds heavier. I’ve actually gained fifteen pounds in the last six months alone. I was working on my weight at the beginning of the year when I was at 170 and I lost five pounds, but more importantly my clothes were fitting better. So much so that I got rid of all the clothes that were my “fat clothes” because I was convinced I would keep going and I would soon fit into all these “someday” clothes that I own. Seriously, I would have a huge wardrobe of clothes if I only weighed twenty pounds less. I must have over a dozen really cute and fun t-shirts that I’ve bought in the last two years that I keep telling myself will be my reward once I lose the weight. And its not like I bought the shirts in small. These are XL or L sized women’s shirts and I can’t even start to wear any of them, never could. Yet I still pick them up from t-shirt sales online and taunt myself. Someday, I tell myself, someday I’ll wear these shirts and fit into a pair of jeans again and be cute, maybe even hot. I’m a single woman, can’t I be hot just for a few weeks once in my life?
I realize I’m getting kind of rambly now, but I need to get it out of my brain so maybe I can act on it. Back to the “fat clothes” that I got rid of. I really just emptied out my closet in March and April, before I moved, I ditched pretty much all the fall and winter clothes I owned save for two pairs of pants and three semi-ill-fitting shirts. I was convinced I’d lose the weight and be buying new clothes for a new body in the fall. I got through the summer in some crappy short-sleeved tops and a couple pair of crop pants. But now fall is here and winter is coming and I don’t even fit into the few clothes I had left. I bought a pair of light-colored, but heavier material khaki pants from Eddie Bauer in September (for alumni band, but then it was warm and we were rebels and wore shorts, mine were knee-length guys’ shorts that were all that fit), they don’t really fit that well. They’re too short and the pockets are not flattering, but they zip, so I wear them, along with a pair of Docker’s pants I’ve had for at least four years that are getting really faded. My closet is just depressing. I can’t wear seventy five percent of what I own and I really don’t own that many clothes. Half my closet is t-shirts from college, or even high school.
On Sunday I’m facing the reality of my life and going shopping in Des Moines with Julie, Kelly, and Kristy. I want to catch up with my friends that I haven’t seen in quite awhile, but I need moral support to just force myself to get clothes for work. I need to have decent clothes for work for the winter, no matter how fat I am. 9 times out of 10 when I try buying clothes on my own, I just end up in tears and leave the stores empty-handed. (I won’t get started [again] on how depressing it is to try to buy boots because of my large calves.) There are so many things in my life that I haven’t ever tried because I tell myself, “once you lose some weight, then you can try that, or reward yourself with that.”
How did I get to this point? I don’t have having kids as an excuse for the weight (though some of my friends just lose weight when pregnant), if there is any excuse beyond my generally sucking, in the last six months, I’d look towards my job for some of the blame. I’ve been busy and stressed and when work is over, I just want to go home and sit and do nothing. Which doesn’t help. I also kind of hate where I live and I don’t like to leave once I’m home because I don’t want to walk in the smelly hall or look outside and see the giant dumpster right outside my window. I don’t wear makeup anymore and I don’t like how I look at work, but it just seems pointless to try to hide behind some mascara. My eating habits are erratic. I’m really good about not eating much (I’ve never had a huge appetite, I’m not starving myself), and then I break down and eat crappy food. Honestly, the last few weeks I’ve been eating cereal for breakfast and dinner and having fruit smoothies for lunch, carefully counting my calories and trying to stave off the scurvy. And I’ve gained weight. And yes, Mom, I know I need to eat more vegetables. I try. Really, but I hate them so. I’m eating fruit, be happy with that.
I just can’t figure out what was the tipping point, but in the last three days I’ve become so uncomfortable in my body. My skin itches and I think that its because my skin is stretching because of the fat. I keep trying to chalk it up to the change in seasons, but no matter of lotion seems to help it. My thighs seem to rub together all the way down to my knees now (I said this was personal) and I’m just embarrassed to be seen. And I had been going back to the gym, but about two weeks ago, I just suddenly felt so fat in my gym clothes that I was so horrified with myself that I left and I haven’t been back. I bring my gym back to work everyday, intending to change after work and go to the gym, but I talk myself out of it and don’t go. Logically, I know that that is counter-productive, but I’m just not in the best head space with it all right now.
At the beginning of October I calculated that to lose 50 pounds by 2008 Homecoming, I needed to lose around four pounds a month, just a pound a week. I charted it out and put it on my calendar. It looked so do-able in small amounts. I just needed to be 175.1 by the end of October to stay on track. In the first week and a half, I lost three pounds and felt like I was going to make progress. Then seemingly overnight, I gained it all back plus more and couldn’t get the scale to budge and my clothes just got tighter and tighter. Now need to lose ten pounds by the end of November to stay on track. Guh.
And before you ask, I’ve had my thyroid/blood checked. Less than three months ago, after I’d already started gaining weight, I was given a very clean bill of health, with every testable level in a normal and healthy range. I drink tons of water. All those things that people always talk about to jump-start your weight loss, giving up pop or the Starbucks, etc, I already gave up all those things or never did them in the first place.
And this isn’t trying to blame anyone, but why haven’t any of my friends that see me in-person regularly (can’t fault those who’ve never met me or see me rarely), pulled me aside and said “dude, you’re fat, what is your deal?” You can’t have not noticed that I’ve gained all this weight rather quickly. I don’t know what good it might have done, but maybe it would’ve slapped me into action before this.
That’s my lament.
Today, I’m going back to a strict diet of cereal for breakfast and dinner, with cottage cheese and applesauce for lunch. And I’m going to the gym. No matter how fat I am in comparison to the beautiful girls on the elliptical next to me. I’ll probably write about this more in the upcoming days and weeks to try to keep myself accountable to myself.
…why haven’t any of my friends that see me in-person regularly (can’t fault those who’ve never met me or see me rarely), pulled me aside and said “dude, you’re fat, what is your deal?”
I think that I have a pretty good idea of most of the friends that you see regularly because they are people I used to be close to. I feel like I can kind of answer this one for them. They’ve never said anything for one great big reason: they don’t care. Not in a “your health doesn’t matter to me” sort of way. More in a “I love you no matter what” sort of way.
I understand what you’re going through because I have very many similar conversations with myself. Still, I hope that in your less ranty state of mind you understand that there are some pretty excellent people in your life that will support you if you decide to start with the applesauce, cereal and exercise but will love you even if you don’t.
I also hope that in your less ranty state of mind you recognize that you are worthy of having those people in your life.
I’ve been taking my gym bag to work EVERY DAY for over a year now. It still has the same pair of shorts and t-shirt in there that I started with. I find every excuse in the book to not go to the gym. Part of me finds it very selfish to take time to go to the gym when I need to be doing so many other things. I refuse to get on a scale but I know that I have already tossed aside half of my winter clothes because there is no way I can wear them….they fit me last year at this time and I swore back then that by the time winter rolled around again they would be too big on me,. I feel your pain ……we need to support each other and really work had on this weight loss goal!
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We’ve had this discussion on the phone before, sort-of, but I’ll just reiterate in case you want to refer back later.
1. Get on a high-fiber diet. You should be eating 30+ grams of fiber every day. Fiber One Cereal is a good start, with 14 grams just for breakfast. If you eat sandwiches, I like the Arnold double-fiber bread if they sell it in your area. This will just make you feel better overall, but it will take your body about a week to get used to the extra fiber.
2. Eat some protein for breakfast. Cereal digests quickly and leaves you hungry. Eat some cottage cheese to go with it, or eggs or egg whites or something.
3. The best workout, especially at first, is one that you will actually do. The biggest hurdle is getting into a routine of going to the gym, and not letting yourself slip into excuses. Don’t overdo it early and then be too sore to go back the rest of the week. It takes time, but build up to it.
4. Yes, do cardio, but do some strength training, just with light weights. This raises your resting metabolic rate, allowing your body to continue to burn calories while you’re not working out.
5. Consider hiring a personal trainer and get together a plan. Your car is paid off now, and how much do you spend per month on Cable+TiVo fees? Isn’t your health worth the same amount you spend on TV? At least see the PT once a week, even if you’re working out 3x per week. It will help keep you on track and teach you proper form for workouts.
6. Remember we’re here for you, and rooting for you, and love you. :)
Hang in there. Jeff’s right. I live with a man who lost 100 pounds in 18 months and he eats a very high fiber, high protein diet. (and he’s ANNOYING about it, lol) You’re probably not eating enough - whenever I’ve been on a formal weightloss plan it feels liek all i do is eat. It’s funny - you think you need to eat less b/c you want to loose weight but you usually need to eat more - just good stuff. Right now I’m allowed to be as fat as I want but come May/June I’ll be going through the same thing you are.