… a trip to the gym, getting my mail, and a few hours makes.

I’m starting to think this regular blogging thing really has therapeutic merit for me. After my long lament about my weight [Thanks to Lisa and Jeff (Utech, I have so many Jeffs) for their kind and encouraging words], I went to the gym. Yes, this was just the first trip and I’m still obviously fat, but I made it through my workout and was actually revived when I got done. Exercise doesn’t usually give me the endorphin rush that some people get, but tonight, I fought through the pain and the sweat and it was good. I worked out on this new machine that my gym has that is something between an elliptical and a stairmaster. Jeff turned me on to it and I’m sure he can chime in with the proper name. That particular machine has a view into the workout studio where they have classes. I usually don’t really notice the guys at the gym, and there aren’t usually guys in the classes, but tonight, like a gift from the workout fairies, there was this guy that I could see who had the best head of hair I’d had seen in person since Brandon Routh. I’m a hair girl, I know that’s probably weird, but watching his lovely brown hair for most of my work out got me through. I’ll take what I can get.

I get home from the gym very energized and there’s my birthday package from Lisa. I tear it open and just busted out laughing. Here are most of the contents (there was also a very pretty necklace with a fleur de lis on it that is not pictured):

Of course on the day when I’m swearing to be on a diet and hating myself, I receive an entire box of sweets. For those of you who don’t know what they are, they’re TastyKakes, a snack food company from Pennsylvania. Lisa introduced me to them at Mardi Gras in 2006. They are also mentioned a lot in the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich (the main characters love them). I was semi-good and I only ate one. A lonely single-packaged Chocolate Juniors that was more worse for wear than the others. The rest will be put away to be slowly savored over the next few months. Maybe I’ll even share them with some of my co-workers. If they’re really, really good.

Oh how tasty it was. I ate it slowly over a three hour period while I furiously cleaned my entire apartment fueled by my post-workout rush. I just finished taking out the trash and then sat down to write this. It feels good to have the whole place clean before the weekend really starts, especially since I won’t be home on Sunday. I even scrubbed the shower, though I didn’t scrub my kitchen floor, but it got a good sweeping. I had to empty my vacuum twice because there was so much hair. I don’t know who sheds more, me or MacGyver.

Alrighty, now I’m going to try to come down from the crazed cleaning mode and watch a movie.

Tomorrow the Hawkeyes play Northwestern at Evanston. I expect nothing good because nothing good ever happens in Evanston. But here’s hoping. Go Hawks, Please?

This post has been marinating in my head for a month. Part of Lisa’s post today inspired me to get it out of my head. Sadly, its less optimistic than when I started composing it in October. This is going to be rather personal and some people will see it as whining or an excuse or something, if that’s not your bag, just move on to my next post about entertainment (writers strike!) or my cat.

The problem is that I am fat. And I hate it. And I hate that I’ve written this same post for years and I’m still not doing anything about it.

Its been a creeping problem for the last two years or so. I started noticing my weight after Iowa Homecoming celebrations where I would 1) hear how other women now looked so fabulous and I knew that didn’t apply to me and 2) I hated seeing myself in photos. The second one is really the deal breaker for me. I don’t know if I’m a product of my generation, coming up with cameras, even video cameras around pretty much all my life, but I always liked being in pictures. I never really understood people who don’t. In some ways I still don’t. I want to be in the picture, I just want what my mind tells me I look like to match what actually exists. But lately I am just repelled by what I see unless the photo is taken at a very high, unnaturally flattering angle. I have this horrible fat face that reminds me of pictures I’ve seen of my father and he’s horrible fat and just so terrible looking. And that’s all I see when I look in the mirror or see photos. All my extra chins and just gross.

Today is the worst fattest day of my life as I now weigh 180 pounds. Isn’t that just repulsive? I’m only 5′4″. I never thought I’d say I need to lose 50 pounds, but I do. To be in the healthy weight range for my person, I really should be no more than 135 pounds, and weighing less would be better. I think I weighed that in high school, but I was called a fat cow back then too, so who knows. Though looking at pictures from high school, I wasn’t fat, and weren’t the fashions so much more forgiving back then? A giant XXL sweatshirt or a flannel to cover up all those body issues that you don’t even have.

Four years ago I weighed 150 and was struggling to lose weight. Now here I am 30 pounds heavier. I’ve actually gained fifteen pounds in the last six months alone. I was working on my weight at the beginning of the year when I was at 170 and I lost five pounds, but more importantly my clothes were fitting better. So much so that I got rid of all the clothes that were my “fat clothes” because I was convinced I would keep going and I would soon fit into all these “someday” clothes that I own. Seriously, I would have a huge wardrobe of clothes if I only weighed twenty pounds less. I must have over a dozen really cute and fun t-shirts that I’ve bought in the last two years that I keep telling myself will be my reward once I lose the weight. And its not like I bought the shirts in small. These are XL or L sized women’s shirts and I can’t even start to wear any of them, never could. Yet I still pick them up from t-shirt sales online and taunt myself. Someday, I tell myself, someday I’ll wear these shirts and fit into a pair of jeans again and be cute, maybe even hot. I’m a single woman, can’t I be hot just for a few weeks once in my life?
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I sucked it up and went to yoga at my gym last night. Describing how I felt today to a co-worker, who also teaches yoga, elicited a chuckle and the comment, “it hurts just to be.” She is so right. How I wish I could “not be” today.

I am beyond sore. It hurts to stand, it hurts to sit, and walking is pure torture. My quads, hamstrings, and hips make me feel like I’m 90. The yoga instructor was hard-core. A woman who has her own yoga studio beyond just teaching at Core. She teaches hot yoga at her studio and apparently likes it warm all the time, so no fans on last night. I’ve never sweat so much in my life where I wasn’t outside and wearing wool. The kind of sweat where you look like you’ve taken a shower and its running down your face and dripping everywhere. I wish I had grabbed a towel before I went in to the yoga room, but I’ve never sweat like that so I didn’t. Lesson learned. It was the hardest practice I’ve ever done. I did feel like I accomplished something when I was done, but man it was torture during. And is was again about twenty minutes after I was done. No amount of hot showers, ice packs, or ibuprofen has helped. I’m taking tonight off from the gym. My body obviously needs a break.

Had a tasty lunch today at Takanami downtown with the Steeles. It was my second visit, but the first time I’d actually eaten anything there. I still owed Jerry birthday sushi from a few months back, so I was making good on the gift. My workJeff suggested the bento box and he was so right. I had the seared salmon filet with caramelized onions, roasted cauliflower, and a raspberry teriyaki glaze. Well worth $9. The only problem I had with lunch was the fact that I was Spilly McDumbass who got soy sauce all over my good white button-down shirt. I eat sushi with soy sauce all the time, I don’t know what my problem was. I’ll blame my tired triceps. I knew it would take way too long to go all the way back to my apartment to change before going back to work, so I ran into Iowa Book and grabbed a white v-neck Iowa shirt off the sale rack for $10. Its not like I can have too many Iowa shirts.

This evening I got to spend some quality time with Lindsey while Diane & Andy played softball. D was filling out the girls side of the co-ed roster. Lindsey is crazy with the walking now and don’t try to hold her hand, she’s having none of that! Along with the walking, we contemplated how far we could put the sippy cup away from her on the picnic table and have her still be able to get to it. It was a fun game. After the actual softball game, I joined the group at the Vine for some cheap wings. I was trying to stay up and go see the midnight showing of The Bourne Ultimatum, but as I sit here at 10pm, I’m fading fast and I think I’m just going to have to go see it this weekend. I didn’t get a chance to rewatch Supremacy tonight like I had planned, so I’ll see a matinée this weekend.

I have to take MacGyver to the vet in the morning for some follow-up tests to a health scare she had two weekends ago. I am, as always, convinced she’s dying. She’ll be 19 on August 29th, so its not completely nuts of me to worry a lot about her.

On that note, I’m going to take my sore body to watch a little ‘Daily Show’ and go to bed.