I’m starting to think this regular blogging thing really has therapeutic merit for me. After my long lament about my weight [Thanks to Lisa and Jeff (Utech, I have so many Jeffs) for their kind and encouraging words], I went to the gym. Yes, this was just the first trip and I’m still obviously fat, but I made it through my workout and was actually revived when I got done. Exercise doesn’t usually give me the endorphin rush that some people get, but tonight, I fought through the pain and the sweat and it was good. I worked out on this new machine that my gym has that is something between an elliptical and a stairmaster. Jeff turned me on to it and I’m sure he can chime in with the proper name. That particular machine has a view into the workout studio where they have classes. I usually don’t really notice the guys at the gym, and there aren’t usually guys in the classes, but tonight, like a gift from the workout fairies, there was this guy that I could see who had the best head of hair I’d had seen in person since Brandon Routh. I’m a hair girl, I know that’s probably weird, but watching his lovely brown hair for most of my work out got me through. I’ll take what I can get.

I get home from the gym very energized and there’s my birthday package from Lisa. I tear it open and just busted out laughing. Here are most of the contents (there was also a very pretty necklace with a fleur de lis on it that is not pictured):

Of course on the day when I’m swearing to be on a diet and hating myself, I receive an entire box of sweets. For those of you who don’t know what they are, they’re TastyKakes, a snack food company from Pennsylvania. Lisa introduced me to them at Mardi Gras in 2006. They are also mentioned a lot in the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich (the main characters love them). I was semi-good and I only ate one. A lonely single-packaged Chocolate Juniors that was more worse for wear than the others. The rest will be put away to be slowly savored over the next few months. Maybe I’ll even share them with some of my co-workers. If they’re really, really good.

Oh how tasty it was. I ate it slowly over a three hour period while I furiously cleaned my entire apartment fueled by my post-workout rush. I just finished taking out the trash and then sat down to write this. It feels good to have the whole place clean before the weekend really starts, especially since I won’t be home on Sunday. I even scrubbed the shower, though I didn’t scrub my kitchen floor, but it got a good sweeping. I had to empty my vacuum twice because there was so much hair. I don’t know who sheds more, me or MacGyver.

Alrighty, now I’m going to try to come down from the crazed cleaning mode and watch a movie.

Tomorrow the Hawkeyes play Northwestern at Evanston. I expect nothing good because nothing good ever happens in Evanston. But here’s hoping. Go Hawks, Please?

The problem is that I am fat. And I hate it. And I hate that I’ve written this same post for years and I’m still not doing anything about it.

Its been a creeping problem for the last two years or so. I started noticing my weight after Iowa Homecoming celebrations where I would 1) hear how other women now looked so fabulous and I knew that didn’t apply to me and 2) I hated seeing myself in photos. The second one is really the deal breaker for me. I don’t know if I’m a product of my generation, coming up with cameras, even video cameras around pretty much all my life, but I always liked being in pictures. I never really understood people who don’t. In some ways I still don’t. I want to be in the picture, I just want what my mind tells me I look like to match what actually exists. But lately I am just repelled by what I see unless the photo is taken at a very high, unnaturally flattering angle. I have this horrible fat face that reminds me of pictures I’ve seen of my father and he’s horrible fat and just so terrible looking. And that’s all I see when I look in the mirror or see photos. All my extra chins and just gross.

Today is the worst fattest day of my life as I now weigh 180 pounds. Isn’t that just repulsive? I’m only 5’4″. I never thought I’d say I need to lose 50 pounds, but I do. To be in the healthy weight range for my person, I really should be no more than 135 pounds, and weighing less would be better. I think I weighed that in high school, but I was called a fat cow back then too, so who knows. Though looking at pictures from high school, I wasn’t fat, and weren’t the fashions so much more forgiving back then? A giant XXL sweatshirt or a flannel to cover up all those body issues that you don’t even have.

Four years ago I weighed 150 and was struggling to lose weight. Now here I am 30 pounds heavier. I’ve actually gained fifteen pounds in the last six months alone. I was working on my weight at the beginning of the year when I was at 170 and I lost five pounds, but more importantly my clothes were fitting better. So much so that I got rid of all the clothes that were my “fat clothes” because I was convinced I would keep going and I would soon fit into all these “someday” clothes that I own. Seriously, I would have a huge wardrobe of clothes if I only weighed twenty pounds less. I must have over a dozen really cute and fun t-shirts that I’ve bought in the last two years that I keep telling myself will be my reward once I lose the weight. And its not like I bought the shirts in small. These are XL or L sized women’s shirts and I can’t even start to wear any of them, never could. Yet I still pick them up from t-shirt sales online and taunt myself. Someday, I tell myself, someday I’ll wear these shirts and fit into a pair of jeans again and be cute, maybe even hot. I’m a single woman, can’t I be hot just for a few weeks once in my life?

I realize I’m getting kind of rambly now, but I need to get it out of my brain so maybe I can act on it. Back to the “fat clothes” that I got rid of. I really just emptied out my closet in March and April, before I moved, I ditched pretty much all the fall and winter clothes I owned save for two pairs of pants and three semi-ill-fitting shirts. I was convinced I’d lose the weight and be buying new clothes for a new body in the fall. I got through the summer in some crappy short-sleeved tops and a couple pair of crop pants. But now fall is here and winter is coming and I don’t even fit into the few clothes I had left. I bought a pair of light-colored, but heavier material khaki pants from Eddie Bauer in September (for alumni band, but then it was warm and we were rebels and wore shorts, mine were knee-length guys’ shorts that were all that fit), they don’t really fit that well. They’re too short and the pockets are not flattering, but they zip, so I wear them, along with a pair of Docker’s pants I’ve had for at least four years that are getting really faded. My closet is just depressing. I can’t wear seventy five percent of what I own and I really don’t own that many clothes. Half my closet is t-shirts from college, or even high school.

On Sunday I’m facing the reality of my life and going shopping in Des Moines with Julie, Kelly, and Kristy. I want to catch up with my friends that I haven’t seen in quite awhile, but I need moral support to just force myself to get clothes for work. I need to have decent clothes for work for the winter, no matter how fat I am. 9 times out of 10 when I try buying clothes on my own, I just end up in tears and leave the stores empty-handed. (I won’t get started [again] on how depressing it is to try to buy boots because of my large calves.) There are so many things in my life that I haven’t ever tried because I tell myself, “once you lose some weight, then you can try that, or reward yourself with that.”

How did I get to this point? I don’t have having kids as an excuse for the weight (though some of my friends just lose weight when pregnant), if there is any excuse beyond my generally sucking, in the last six months, I’d look towards my job for some of the blame. I’ve been busy and stressed and when work is over, I just want to go home and sit and do nothing. Which doesn’t help. I also kind of hate where I live and I don’t like to leave once I’m home because I don’t want to walk in the smelly hall or look outside and see the giant dumpster right outside my window. I don’t wear makeup anymore and I don’t like how I look at work, but it just seems pointless to try to hide behind some mascara. My eating habits are erratic. I’m really good about not eating much (I’ve never had a huge appetite, I’m not starving myself), and then I break down and eat crappy food. Honestly, the last few weeks I’ve been eating cereal for breakfast and dinner and having fruit smoothies for lunch, carefully counting my calories and trying to stave off the scurvy. And I’ve gained weight. And yes, Mom, I know I need to eat more vegetables. I try. Really, but I hate them so. I’m eating fruit, be happy with that.

I just can’t figure out what was the tipping point, but in the last three days I’ve become so uncomfortable in my body. My skin itches and I think that its because my skin is stretching because of the fat. I keep trying to chalk it up to the change in seasons, but no matter of lotion seems to help it. My thighs seem to rub together all the way down to my knees now (I said this was personal) and I’m just embarrassed to be seen. And I had been going back to the gym, but about two weeks ago, I just suddenly felt so fat in my gym clothes that I was so horrified with myself that I left and I haven’t been back. I bring my gym back to work everyday, intending to change after work and go to the gym, but I talk myself out of it and don’t go. Logically, I know that that is counter-productive, but I’m just not in the best head space with it all right now.

At the beginning of October I calculated that to lose 50 pounds by 2008 Homecoming, I needed to lose around four pounds a month, just a pound a week. I charted it out and put it on my calendar. It looked so do-able in small amounts. I just needed to be 175.1 by the end of October to stay on track. In the first week and a half, I lost three pounds and felt like I was going to make progress. Then seemingly overnight, I gained it all back plus more and couldn’t get the scale to budge and my clothes just got tighter and tighter. Now need to lose ten pounds by the end of November to stay on track. Guh.

And before you ask, I’ve had my thyroid/blood checked. Less than three months ago, after I’d already started gaining weight, I was given a very clean bill of health, with every testable level in a normal and healthy range. I drink tons of water. All those things that people always talk about to jump-start your weight loss, giving up pop or the Starbucks, etc, I already gave up all those things or never did them in the first place.

And this isn’t trying to blame anyone, but why haven’t any of my friends that see me in-person regularly (can’t fault those who’ve never met me or see me rarely), pulled me aside and said “dude, you’re fat, what is your deal?” You can’t have not noticed that I’ve gained all this weight rather quickly. I don’t know what good it might have done, but maybe it would’ve slapped me into action before this.

That’s my lament.

Today, I’m going back to a strict diet of cereal for breakfast and dinner, with cottage cheese and applesauce for lunch. And I’m going to the gym. No matter how fat I am in comparison to the beautiful girls on the elliptical next to me. I’ll probably write about this more in the upcoming days and weeks to try to keep myself accountable to myself.

I am beyond sore. It hurts to stand, it hurts to sit, and walking is pure torture. My quads, hamstrings, and hips make me feel like I’m 90. The yoga instructor was hard-core. A woman who has her own yoga studio beyond just teaching at Core. She teaches hot yoga at her studio and apparently likes it warm all the time, so no fans on last night. I’ve never sweat so much in my life where I wasn’t outside and wearing wool. The kind of sweat where you look like you’ve taken a shower and its running down your face and dripping everywhere. I wish I had grabbed a towel before I went in to the yoga room, but I’ve never sweat like that so I didn’t. Lesson learned. It was the hardest practice I’ve ever done. I did feel like I accomplished something when I was done, but man it was torture during. And is was again about twenty minutes after I was done. No amount of hot showers, ice packs, or ibuprofen has helped. I’m taking tonight off from the gym. My body obviously needs a break.

Had a tasty lunch today at Takanami downtown with the Steeles. It was my second visit, but the first time I’d actually eaten anything there. I still owed Jerry birthday sushi from a few months back, so I was making good on the gift. My workJeff suggested the bento box and he was so right. I had the seared salmon filet with caramelized onions, roasted cauliflower, and a raspberry teriyaki glaze. Well worth $9. The only problem I had with lunch was the fact that I was Spilly McDumbass who got soy sauce all over my good white button-down shirt. I eat sushi with soy sauce all the time, I don’t know what my problem was. I’ll blame my tired triceps. I knew it would take way too long to go all the way back to my apartment to change before going back to work, so I ran into Iowa Book and grabbed a white v-neck Iowa shirt off the sale rack for $10. Its not like I can have too many Iowa shirts.

This evening I got to spend some quality time with Lindsey while Diane & Andy played softball. D was filling out the girls side of the co-ed roster. Lindsey is crazy with the walking now and don’t try to hold her hand, she’s having none of that! Along with the walking, we contemplated how far we could put the sippy cup away from her on the picnic table and have her still be able to get to it. It was a fun game. After the actual softball game, I joined the group at the Vine for some cheap wings. I was trying to stay up and go see the midnight showing of The Bourne Ultimatum, but as I sit here at 10pm, I’m fading fast and I think I’m just going to have to go see it this weekend. I didn’t get a chance to rewatch Supremacy tonight like I had planned, so I’ll see a matinée this weekend.

I have to take MacGyver to the vet in the morning for some follow-up tests to a health scare she had two weekends ago. I am, as always, convinced she’s dying. She’ll be 19 on August 29th, so its not completely nuts of me to worry a lot about her.

On that note, I’m going to take my sore body to watch a little ‘Daily Show’ and go to bed.

I know I have to keep on keeping on and I intend to go after work and spend some time just walking on the treadmill and then take a yoga class because I don’t feel very stretchy. But with an hour to go in the workday, the temptation to just go straight home and lay on the couch with an ice pack and my cat is really appealing.

But laying on my couch is what has put back on all the weight I had lost this spring. I enjoyed the workout last night while I was doing it, just not so much when it was over.

Someone motivate me!

I got up late and it looked like it might rain, so I drove. I know its stupid, but I just feel so guilty about it. Honestly, like I’m disappointing every person who was supportive yesterday. I hate having these grand plans for getting in shape and eating better that I never sustain for more than a day or two each week. I want to be a better person. I want to be healthier. I want to be able to buy clothes that fit me properly without experiencing emotional trauma. I want to be more determined and actually accomplish things. I don’t know why I can’t.

Ok. So it wasn’t that bad. I made it all the way here in 21 minutes without getting off the bike at all. My overall speed was lower than the first time I made the ride here but I had all my crap for work; change of clothes, bottles of water, breakfast smoothie, lunch bits, book to return to library afterwork, ect. Which probably accounted for another 8-10 pounds of weight on my bike and cut down on my aerodynamic flow a bit.

I shake my head at myself. I bought my bike almost 3 months ago so I could ride to work all summer. Oh well. Need to get rid of those regrets and just keep on biking. I’ve gotten to the point of no return with my weight gain. I have to face it head on and really deal with it. I’d like to go straight from work to the gym, but I’ll cross that road when I come to it. To work and back everyday this week may be enough to start with.

Someday I’ll aspire to Jerry’s levels of greatness [Good luck tomorrow!], but for now, this will do.

Behold my Trek 7.2 FX:

Which turns out to be the same bike that Jerry has. He rides all over, so was all inspired to jump right in and expected to be instantly riding everywhere while my car collected dust in the garage. Unfortunately the reality wasn’t quite what I experienced from my body. My first ride was over to J&S’s place about a mile from my place and I very nearly died when my lungs almost exploded. So its a work in progress. I’m still figuring out changing gears and how to ride and not fall over, ect. My grand plans of riding to work each day haven’t been quite so simple. The first three times I rode, when I got home I was so sore that I could literally barely walk up the stairs to my room. It took several minutes to get my legs to lift that high that many times. I knew I was out of shape, but I didn’t realize it had gotten this bad. Hills just KILL me. I did manage to ride to the grocery store and back once.

This past Saturday I decided I would take advantage of the extremely lovely spring weather and be very determined and ride my bike downtown in order to take in the Arts Fest weekend. I headed down the very hilly Court St. and made it 1.6 miles, a distance that I would determine later on via my car, before I collapsed along the sidewalk and threw up from the exertion. How pathetic am I? Although attempting a hilly bike ride on an empty stomach in 80+ degree heat probably wasn’t the smartest move I’ve made lately. More disheartening than not even making it halfway to my intended destination was that I had to go back

[and I just choked on my own saliva while sitting here typing and had to get a drink and then wipe off my screen. pleasant. ok, back to my story...]

home the same distance I’d just come. Guh. I went around a slightly less direct route that avoids most of the hills of Court Street, but there are some hills closer to my place that can’t be avoided. And then to add insult to injury, my chain slipped off about a block from home. I walked myself and my bike home from that point, then I changed my clothes because I had sweat three buckets and drove downtown and had ice cream with my roommate.

Sunday I let the bike rest. After work today, I was determined to get to my gym and back and not have to walk home or call someone to get me. I did manage to actually make it over to my gym and around the block of that area and all the way home in just over half an hour. I was pretty darn happy and not too sore. My goal for the week is to do this at least 4 times this week and then next week start riding to the gym, working out, and riding home next week. I think I might be able to ride to work by mid-July. Scott Blvd. looks so tough!

Confession time: I gave in and had a Pepsi on Saturday. I only made it to the gym twice and I only did cardio. I ate like crap on Saturday and Sunday.

I deserved to gain weight.

Today is a new day. I will make it to the gym 3 times this week and I will be very aware of what or how I eat when I’m at home.

Its the first day of a month, and being one of those people who is ridiculously tied to starting things on a monday or on the first, etc., I give you my latest goal (which I actually started yesterday, on a Monday.):

To lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday. Code name: 30×30

I look at my closet and realize two things;

1. I got rid of nearly all my fall/winter clothes last spring.
2. I don’t want to buy new clothes in a size or two larger than what the old clothes were.

I took a step back and looked at this from a long-term prospective. I know it is better to lose weight slowly rather than to try to be stupid and lose really fast. To lose thirty pounds by my next birthday, I only need to lose less than one pound per week. When I look at it that way, it seems very doable.

In the past I’ve tried restricting my diet extremely, which only makes me crazed *cough*SouthBeach*cough* and ends in failure after four days or so. So starting yesterday, I’ve decided to cut out all pop and alcohol. Its something small, but looking at my pile of recyclables, I do note that I’ve drunk a lot of pop in the last month or so. Way more than I would think I had. So it goes. I have also joined MyFoodDiary.com to keep track of my eating and exercise. Its $9/month with a “cancel anytime” policy, so I decided to give it a whirl. So far I like what I see. The personal accountablitity with graphs and charts very much appeals to my anal-retentive nature. Apparently you can have Because I am a SELF subscriber, I had access to SelfDietClub.com for free. However, I was getting what I paid for because that site didn’t support Firefox or Mac, so I would never use it.

As for the exercise component, my goal for this month is to go to the gym three times a week. Before I would get all gung ho and try to go everyday and if I didn’t make it one day, then I would give up, feeling like I had failed myself.

I’m trying to learn from past mistakes and make real progress this time. I’ve added a header in the middle column of the homepage with the countdown numbers.